At a juncture in time,before I understood what love or living..or life really could do for me.After an incomprehensible..no,it was a rather invisible...incident.When i hurt before i knew what hurting really is..
I stitched my lips.
Maybe it was because nobody was there to hear anymore,maybe it's because I didn't wanna hear me anymore.Not my voice nor the words which didn't seem to come out right.Maybe it was painful to discover that if I talked,I'd be the only one listening to it.So I stopped talking.I'll keep quiet,even unto myself unless it is tremendously necessary like 'Pass me the salt please..'
I didn't say what I felt because nobody would completely understand what I'd be feeling.The multitudes of emotions,the million shades of it.The anger,the reprisals,the regret,the implosions that rocked me to my core.Sometimes,only sometimes..the fleeting sunlight,that little smile around the corner,my silent joy.
If it's not that people wouldn't be able to comprehend me,then it's that I wouldn't be able to comprehend myself,why I felt like that.Therefore I find feeling like so is an irrational response,and I soon got into a vicious cycle that I was an irrational existence.
Sometimes,I want to be mysterious,even unto myself.
My thoughts however,was isolated from my inner communism towards myself,that if I was irrational,so is everything else.
My Thoughts, My Feelings,My Words,My Action,Me.
I believed thoughts were emotionless but i know it is indefinitely connected to feelings.When I closed the channel to speech,it seemed to make my fingers come alive.It wrote more than what my mind has to say,it brought into existence what my heart desperately wants to give life to.
ME
Writing gave me a reason,without me realizing it for a long time.I thought I was sharp,apparently I wasn't sharp enough towards myself.Each letter,each word was like a step I take to move forward.But I was careful,too cautious and perhaps that much wiser because once a man's been bitten,it's a lesson that he'd better think more than just twice to do it again.But it'll be a long time before he finally gave to himself and another,his own self.
Maybe it was a damn shame this happened.
Maybe it was a damn good lesson just waiting to happen.
So that little man got a little creative and hid all he wants to say in a linguistic code of a prose or the limitless confinement of a poem.He thought whoever could see through the veil of words and understand his intent,that person would be deserving of his thoughts.Bare and honest,without the camouflage of literature.
Did it happen?...
Sometimes I wished the complexities of a man could be simplified.
But I'm going to skip a lot of events that has occurred between then and now,no doubt all of those times are as vital in my change as it does this time. Some things happened,okay...that is an understatement.A whole lot of thing happened.I decided to remove the threads of silence from this lips and spoke,a little at a time.There were people waiting to listen and are sincerely curious of me.However puzzled I remained,unable to answer why.It was not something i wanted to ponder nor elaborate over at this junction of the road.But I wanted to tell that I am still perplexed by it.
I was comfortably numb. That was how I felt.The cold calmness,the solitary peace was what I had.When I opened up,it was akin to opening up the curtain to a dark room.With it,came sunshine and beautiful breeze.With views and experiences that made me skip beats in my heart.
The SummerLove with bright runs and pumps all over,the MidnightRomance where a spring charms us with loud whispers and excitement a day couldn't offer.But with it also came,cold gusts and rain.SilentAutumn where hopes are seen fading away,like leaves and flowers wilting right before our very eyes.The painful thing is,there's nothing in our power to change it.
Your nature-My nature.
And what seems to be happening..
The inevitable winter that brings about the FrostBite in our actions and words.It doesn't burn us alive,doesn't explode in our faces but it hurts just as much with the ruthless coldness of ice.It doesn't make you skip a beat,it freezes your heart entirely.
I am not afraid of braving the harsh elements of life.I learned to smile while staring it in the eyes.But that doesn't mean I have to stand in the open vulnerability every moment of my waking consciousness.There are always choices if we choose to observe intently.
I have a choice to go back into my room where there is no roof but the bright stars in the deep space blue background,where I can hug my knees close n figure out the star's constellations on my own again.Where I learn from things and existence that does not speak at all,much like who I was.Where I construct on my own and destruct by my own.Where I hold myself close for warmth and comfort.Where I could be safe.
It's not that I didn't learn my lesson in inter-dependence,
perhaps I grew too dependent.
Perhaps I became too soft just to cushion your every fall,grew too fond of your every smile,got too excited in wanting to be exciting,gave too much to hope for something in the end,that I may have asked too much for what I may have finally believe i deserved. It wasn't easy to come full circle realizing reality,learning things this way but I did.
I learnt,and to me,that pinnacles over everything else.
Pains,emotions,stains,commotions,disdains,dissolutions.
I wanted to fall in love again.
Fiercely & Fearlessly.
With Learning.Unbiasedly.
Where previously it became an immediate NEED,instead of a passionate WANT.
The phantom threads to stitch what is agape are prepared, I guess I began writing again.
It's time I let someone come through the door to my smile instead of me walking through the fire to get to theirs.
I don't know what these thought,feelings,words and action will mean to you..
but it's for you to figure out..
'But I can't spell it out for you,you know it's never going to be that simple...
No I can't spell it out for you...
If you just realize,what I just realized then we'd be........'
(As the writer,I had the convenience to block out whatever else to suit my own purposes)
